What is sapiosexuality?
Looks are part of what draws people to each other; that is simply true. But for a sapiosexual person they come second: what comes first is the way someone thinks.
Curious where the word comes from, how to recognise the leaning in yourself, and where these people meet? That is what this piece is about.
What sapiosexuality actually is
A sapiosexual person is drawn to intelligence. The word comes from the Latin sapiens — wise — and spread quickly around the world. It describes an attraction to people who think in an interesting way.
Looks and social standing do not come first here. For most people intelligence is one element of appeal; here it can be the first.
For some it is not a bonus but a condition. The idea is recent enough that some people have started using the word to name something that didn’t fit the usual boxes. It still raises doubts, though — more on that below.
Five signs you might recognise
You like conversations that leave something behind
If you prefer a long conversation to an exchange of short messages with nothing in them, that is the first sign. Conversation is what makes people genuinely know each other.
Sapiosexual people like subjects that demand attention and enjoy arguing about them — with slightly more irony than average, and always with an opinion of their own.
You meet more people in bookshops than in clubs
Where someone spends their time says a lot. If a day in a museum or among library shelves appeals to you more than a loud bar, that is the next sign.
It works the other way too: you are drawn to people absorbed in a book, and glad to be handed a new subject.
You notice language
Most of us write short these days, with abbreviations and emoji. Sapiosexual people usually prefer well-built sentences and take some care over writing. This is not snobbery, it is a pleasure taken in language.
You have no patience for aggression or showing off
Someone who needs coarseness or exaggerated gestures to assert themselves loses their appeal fast. Far more interesting is how a person handles a difficult situation: calmly, with their head.
Sapiosexual people also value those who can name their own feelings and don’t explode when something goes wrong.
A broad range of interests lands with you
Almost everyone appreciates it, but here it can be immediately attractive. Someone who has something to say about many things, and says it without posturing, leaves a mark.
Is it a sexual orientation?
Orientation is defined by the sex someone is drawn to. A woman drawn to men is heterosexual; drawn to women, she is a lesbian. Whether she is also sapiosexual doesn’t change that.
So sapiosexuality is more a leaning than an orientation. Just as some people prefer fair hair to dark, others look above all for an interesting mind.
Whether you want to name it is your business. Some sapiosexual people say they are drawn to someone regardless of their gender identity; they could call themselves «bi» or «pan», but prefer this word. There is no rule here.
Where to meet people like this
The difficulty is real: most dating sites show the surface first — a photo and a few figures. A conversation with substance still has to be given room.
So look where profiles say more than height and city: somewhere you can write down what you do and what you enjoy talking about. Some platforms, Mad2Moi among them, take that kind of search head-on.
One closing note: even though the mind comes first here, sapiosexual people are not enemies of looks. That would be a shame.
See also a review of dating sites and polyamory: understanding open relationships.
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